It's been 95 days, and your room is still in place as if we are still waiting for your arrival. The sun shines directly through your window as it rises and as it sets. I remember after everyone left to go back home, I closed your blinds and shut the door so I didn't have to see a room that felt as empty as my heart. When I came back upstairs later that day, the sun rays beamed so brightly through the close blinds and pierce through the cracks of the shut door on to the hall floor.
Almost as if it was you trying to tell me " Mommy, let the light in. Don't get trapped in the dark ". So till this day I keep your door and blinds open. I sometimes catch myself going into the room and re folding the blanket your great granny made you and go through all the clothes I look forward to having you wear . Every outfit I had a vision , a matching headband , shoes and socks to match . I look at your daddy's Coach diaper bag I brought him for Christmas as it hangs in your closet with no diapers, no wipes, no toys just as empty as your father's heart. The stroller that's still in the box, the unravel diaper cake from the baby shower, and lastly the empty crib. Many may wonder why don't you donate these things , or put it away in storage . However , that's not an option for me , I brought these items for MY baby . Family and friends brought gifts for MY baby. I can not just put her things in storage and pretend she never existed.
One day a post went circulating the internet, that stated it takes almost a year for a woman to be herself again after having a child but what about the woman who has a child that she can not bring home? Or the woman who has brought her baby home but only spent a short amount of time with her child? Or better yet the woman who will never be able to experience the beautiful miracle of growing a blessing inside of you.
Women like myself suffer from empty arms syndrome, even on our happiest days, we will still feel incomplete. Many have asked if having another baby will make this feeling go away, and no I don't think it will because you still have lost a child. You can not replace this one with another one. You can share your memories and allow the siblings to be involved in keeping your baby name alive, but you will always still wonder what would life be if that baby was with you.
Empty arm syndrome is nothing to be ashamed about, I believe talking about your feelings, and your baby helps cope with this sense of emptiness. When the wind blows a certain way, I know that's my Kensie. One mother told me yellow butterflies reminds her of her baby, and she knows when she sees ones , it's her angel stopping by.
There's beauty in this, we just have to get out of the dark place and let the sunshine its light into our hearts in order for us to see it. Stillmoms don't let the emptiness control you : rather you had miscarriages ,experiece stillbirth , SID, or even a abortion . Let your light shine so that your testimony may help another woman.