If LOVE could have saved you , you lived forever .
"I'm sorry, but we couldn't find a heartbeat" this will forever play in my head over and over. As the days, months and soon to be years go by not a day will go by that I will not think about my babygirl Makensie Rae. We will forever love our little angel, and when the day comes, we will make sure her siblings know about her as well. With intentions to have her in our upcoming wedding in October 2017 . We decided not to get married in October 2017 anymore, but to get married on her expected due date January 14th.Makensie did more in her nine months in the womb then she knows (or maybe she does :D). Makensie presence allowed two families to become one, encouraged her grandparents (my parents) to set aside their differences and become cordial to one another and lastly mend a broken bond between father and daughter.
Celebrating Makensie and all she has done has been the best coping mechanism for Tim and me. We always talk about what the "three" of us would be doing, or if she would like this or that. As much as I will love to have her here with us, there's nobody else that can love and protect her like God can. Knowing this sets my heart at ease and allows us to start walking forward, even though some steps are harder than others.
One of the gifts Tim and I received at our baby shower was a journal title "Letters to my little one" from the company Pearhead . This journal had different sections that allow you to share your thoughts, hopes, and dreams for your baby.There's plenty days I write, and tears are streaming down my face, but there are other days when I'm writing her, and a smile is on my face. As I think about the nine months, we spent together and her funny ultrasound pictures or how much she look JUST like Tim (slow eye roll lol) when we were able to get our first and last hug from her. Writing made me encourage her grandparents, aunts, and uncles to write a letter when they came to visit us. Reading the hopes and dreams my family had for my sweet baby girl always shows me the true meaning of a "bundle of joy."
Another coping technique for us is reading. Reading right now is better for us instead of going to support groups and counseling. We are currently reading I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford this book is for those who have experienced infant loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, and abortions. There are nine chapters in the book, with each chapter ending with a note section of Bible verses that are in the chapter. We read once a week and discuss the chapter we just completed. Reading this book has helped open up a conversation that we sometimes keep bottled inside.
One thing I have learned doing this process is no matter how much you feel you are talking about the same thing over and over. TALK about it, whatever comes to mind just let it out because keeping it inside will just slowly pull you into a dark space. Something the enemy thoroughly enjoys. Don't let him win! This situation could have destroyed my relationship with Tim, but we didn't allow the enemy to win. Of course, we question why but as we slowly started reading and as one flesh are questions turned into praise.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit ." Psalm 34:18