On January 3rd, 2017 my sweet baby girl Makensie Rae was born still due to an umbilical cord accident. Just 11 days before her due date. Till this day I can smell the emergency room, and hear the doctor tell me " We couldn't find a heartbeat." I can still feel her body in my arms and on my chest as she laid there so peaceful, beautiful, and still. My heart shattered into a billion pieces; I didn't understand how could this happen. I was 38 weeks and three days. Along with being 38 weeks and so close to my due date , my pregnancy was healthy .
We arrived home from the hospital with no baby. A completed nursery and leaking breast ready to provide nutrients for my little girl. I went into a dark place in my heart when it came to my faith. I was angry, sad, felt guilty for not being able to save her. I also battle with questions like does this mean Tim and I are no longer parents ?? Or are we still parents. I finally came up with the answer; YES. Yes, Tim and I are still parents, we are the parents of a beautiful baby girl who took an early flight home. During the 38 weeks of carrying my little one I did everything possible to take care of her. After delievering Makensie, Tim and I provided her with the clothes we wanted her to wear for our keepsake pictures. We had a blanket to wrap her in, mittens for her hands, and socks for her feet. We also made decisions that we felt was in the better interest for our daughter. We decided not to bury her in Florida because this wasn't home and we planned on moving when she was 3. We got our baby cremated because we couldn't leave her here with no one to keep up her grave site as the years passed. We picked the prettiest urn to put her in and hold it in a safe place in our home. This shows we were STILL parenting our baby girl. (read more on our pregnancy loss)
I decided to create a blog that would reach and encourage others who have dealt with pregnancy loss and contemplate if they were STILL mothers or fathers because we just didn't experience pregnancy loss. We loss our child , and it's always a harsh reality when you are the 1 out 4 to experience such heartache. A blog for the over-achiever like myself who wants to further her education and STILL have a family. Or for the career woman to encourage her that going back to school or starting a family will not slow you down in your profession. I wanted to create a blog to inspire LOVE, HAPPINESS, & FAITH. Even when life seems too overbearing and you feel like giving up. I want this blog to be that breath fresh of air, the hand that brushes the dirt off YOUR shoulders and the smile to keep you going.